Don’t be a test-driven car. (Repost)

Contrary to popular belief, for Christians, sex before marriage is NOT like a test drive. If sex before marriage is supposed to be a “test drive,” then why are there so many nice, test-driven cars still sitting in the car lot with no one to purchase them? So many people want to enjoy the benefits of test driving a nice car but without the commitment of buying the nice car. As a result, they walk away momentarily satisfied, but already ready to test drive the next car until they find one that’s cheaper, like preowned, and of less than value that the car they originally test drove.

To the single Christian: You are not a car to be test driven. You are God’s beautiful creation, and don’t let anyone talk you into thinking otherwise.

“Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!” – Psalms 139:14 (The Message)

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Sorry na, ha? Tao lang.

That’s it. Ayoko na.

Buong buhay ko,  ginawa ko at handa akong gawin ang LAHAT para naman makatikim ako ng kahit kaunting appreciation galing sa inyo. Pero, anong napala ko?

Comparison.

Depreciation.

Destructive Criticism.

Negativity.

Result? Crushed confidence and negative way of thinking.

Noon pa man,  ginawa ko na ang lahat. Binibigay ko ang 100% ko in everything I do. Pero wala talaga eh. In the end, I will have good results. But, I guess good is never enough. Kailangan parati best ang makukuha ko. If I don’t get the best,  then I am nothing at all to your eyes. Ganun naman parati eh. In the end, I will never be good enough.

Kinder pa lang ako,  pinepressure niyo na akong maging Top 1. Guess what? Top 2 lang ang kinaya ng Kinder Powers ko eh. Sorry talaga ha. All through out my elementary years,  ganun pa rin ang mind set niyo. Dapat makatikim ako ng pagiging Top 1. Hindi ba naging sapat sa inyo na pasok ako sa Top 5? Sorry ulit.  Yun lang ang kaya ko. Kahit sa mga quiz bees,  dapat first place ako. Parati naman akong may award eh. Hindi lang talaga yung first place. “Kung tinama mo lang yung question na yun… Siguro champion  ka na.” Sorry ulit kung di ko kaya ang magchampion. Pero nagchampion ako sa Word Factory noon!  Proud na ba kayo?  Ay oo nga pala,  natalo ako ng pinsan ko sa simpleng game ng Word Factory. Mas bata siya so ibig sabihin walang kwenta yung pagkachampion ko dun,  tama ba?  Sorry talaga. “Alam mo,  maganda yung boses mo…” After niyong narinig yung boses nung pinsan ko,  nakalimutan niyo na rin ako. Lol,  sinabi niyo pa nga sa harap ko na, “Naku! Susuportahan ko talaga siyang makapasok sa The Voice! Pang-international boses niya!” Sorry talaga kung ngayon pambanyo nalang yung boses ko. Inaral ko na rin ang pagtugtog ng piano,  acoustic guitar at bass guitar. “Sige,  nga tugtugan mo nga ako! sabayan mo rin ng kanta ha! Dapat yung kagaya nung ginawa ni kuwan… ” Porke’t ba kaya ng pinsan kong tumugtog ng ukelele habang kumakanta gamit ng maganda niyang boses, kailangan mahigitan ko yun?  Di ko kaya eh. Sorry ha. “Uy,  tingnan mo yung drawing na yun oh!  Ang galing!  Bakit di ka gumagawa ng ganyan?” Kasi hindi pa ako marunong eh. Nadisappoint ko ba expectations niyo? Sorry na. “Ano ba yan! Bakit di mo inaasikaso yung kapatid mo? Buti pa tong si ano may pakialam sa kapatid mo!” Ang hirap na kasing maging ate at maging magulang sa kanila eh. Sorry na talaga.

Ako naman may tanong sa inyo… HINDI PA BA SAPAT EFFORTS KO?  HINDI BA PWEDENG MAKUNTENTO NALANG KAYO SA KUNG ANO KAYA KONG GAWIN? BAKIT KAILANGAN NIYO PA AKONG IKUMPARA SA IBA? SILA NA BA NGAYON ANG BAGONG STANDARD NA DAPAT KONG MAHIGITAN? KAHIT KAILAN BA,  NAGAWA NIYONG MA-APPRECIATE LAHAT NG EFFORTS KO PARA MAPANSIN NIYO NAMAN AKO? NAPASAYA KO BA KAYO IN A WAY?

(Sorry for cussing but… ) TANGINA. Walang wala na akong self-esteem.  Ibibigay ko 100% ko para sa inyo. Anong babalik sakin?  100% negativity,  that’s fucking what. Nakakapagod na. Sobra. Tapos pag tumigil na ako sa pageeffort, papaulanan niyo naman ako ng destructive criticism? ABA ANG TINDI NIYO. Magkamag-anak tayo diba?  Parehas lang yung dugong dumadaloy sa mga ugat natin,  for fuck’s sake. Ano bang ginawa sa inyo ng mundo at pati ba naman confidence ko dinudurog niyo. Buti pa ibang tao naaappreciate ako. “Uy,  aral ka pa sa bass ha?  Alam kong kaya mo yan.”, “Ugh buti ka pa mahaba daliri mo.”, “Wow,  ang tangkad mo naman. Magmodel ka ha?”, “Sa Scitech ka nagaaral? Ang talino mo naman!”, “Andami mo namang medals!  Yung totoo,  natutulog ka pa ba?”, “Super talented mo naman,  ate.” BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SA SOBRANG ALIEN PAKINGGAN NG MGA SALITANG ‘YAN, DI KO NA ALAM KUNG COMPLIMENT YAN OR WHAT. PAG NASABIHAN AKO NG GANYAN, I THINK THEY ARE LUDICROUS FOR SAYING IT. THANKS TO YOU GUYS,  THE PEOPLE I CALL MY FAMILY,  I’VE SEEN MYSELF AS THE MOST STUPID,  TALENTLESS AND USELESS PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT I DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO EXIST IN THIS WORLD AND GET THE BEST STUFF. YUP, YOU DID ALL THIS TO ME.  AND FOR THAT,  I THANK YOU.  SALAMAT TALAGA HA AT SORRY NA KUNG DI AKO UMABOT SA EXPECTATIONS NIYO. KUNG DI DAHIL SAINYO,  SIGURO AKO NA NGAYON ANG ISA SA MGA PINAKAMASAYANG TAO SA MUNDO. KASO WALA EH. I’M STUCK WITH YOU GUYS. NOW,  I’M STUCK WITH MYSELF,  THE WORST PERSON TO BE IN THIS WORLD.

What Would I Do?

As a lowly homebody for this summer, I have been at peace in my own home most of the time and have done whatever it took to keep myself occupied and away from the stress-inducing  task of overthinking. I have read all the books  there is to read and watched all the anime that is worth watching. It saddens me that the collection of books and anime that I have gathered and saved while I studied my last year in high school weren’t enough to last me the whole summer.

Since college starts late in July, I have another whole month and a few days to spend with myself, to reflect my emotions, plan for the upcoming battle ahead (which is freshman year in college) and prepare myself for the bigger challenges that awaits me. But for now, I have succumbed to the idea of spending my last days of summer with the Internet.

As I scrolled my newsfeed on Facebook, one of the most highly addictive networking sites, besides Twitter (Well, at least to me, they are.), I saw this picture and it helped me ponder in life randomly. (Yes, I’m weird and I think about random shiznit. Hence, the name of this blog.)

image

Translation: What will you do if it were your monthsary/anniversary and your partner was with his/her buddies the whole day?

Harsh, right? I for one hasn’t been swept off my feet by anybody yet. Thus, I don’t have my own experience. All experiences that I have in store with me is from my friends who had more of their share of the downs in their relationships. I, as the kind person that I am willingly helped, of course. (I was just kidding. I’m actually evil. But, I do give out advice from time to time.)

Even though I am not the most experienced person in the world in these kinds of things, I know what I want in a guy and our soon-to-be-blossoming-into-something-more relationship. (Whoa. This is escalated far too quickly, even for me.) If this ever happened to me, of course I would be disappointed in him. I mean, if ever I had a boyfriend, I would never suffocate him as much as I don’t want to be suffocated but I would keep him in the closest distance possible where we’ll have enough space for each of us to mature on our own and enough space to let each other grow together as one intimately. So in this case, what would I have done to him just so that I’d be forgotten on this one special day that we both share? Nothing, except to be a good girlfriend. And, this is what I would get. Gee, thanks, imaginary boyfriend.

If this happened to me, I can consider for myself that I have the right to give him the silent treatment, or worse,I could break it off. But, no. I will not even sulk in the corner because he forgot about me on our special day. Instead, at the end of the day when he comes back home to me, I would put the sweetest smile on my face and do whatever it takes to make him happy. I would cook him his favorite dinner, watch his favorite movie and cuddle with him until we fall asleep and wake up next to each other, appreciating what’s in front of me.

But who am I kidding? If he “forgot” our monthsary/anniversary and spend it the whole day with his friends, I would cut his throat open and I’ll make sure his “buddies” tag along, too… Nah, I’m just kidding again. What I do mean to say is that if the guy (or the lady) is the right one, he’ll love you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much that he must have been excitedly waiting for your anniversary/monthsary  to arrive like it was always the first one. I know it’s a tad bit too romantic and believe me, I don’t believe in fairy tales and happily-ever-afters but a pessimist can still hope, right?

From all this, I can conclude that being single is fun and carefree, even if it’s too lonely sometimes and that love is complicated and it might give you headaches. If I were you, I’d stay single as long as time has permitted love to come along and ruin your life I mean, prove to you that the world is not such a bad place to live in after all and when love comes, you must embrace  the whole package wholeheartedly, the hurt together with the happiness.

How about you? What would you do if this happens to you? 🙂

“When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am.”

The Daily Post

Maya Angelou by Spanglej, CC BY-SA 2.0.Maya Angelou by Spanglej, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.

Find a beautiful piece of art. If you fall in love with Van Gogh or Matisse or John Oliver Killens, or if you fall love with the music of Coltrane, the music of Aretha Franklin, or the music of Chopin — find some beautiful art and admire it, and realize that it was created by human beings just like you, no more human, no less.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.

When I am writing, I am trying to find out who I am, who we are, what we’re capable of, how…

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Love from First Grade and Prison

Not a Day Over 45

As I was grading papers this afternoon, I found an artfully decorated love note on the back of an assignment.

“Dear Ava,

I really really like you. You have pretty eyes. You have some hair and a nice family. I have a friend and her name is Ava.

Love, Rogan”

My heart melted. What a beautiful expression of love. Years ago, in a whole other life, I worked as a paralegal in a law office. As I was clearing out some old files, I found a collection of also artfully decorated love letters. From prison.

“Dear Tammy,

I love you. I am still in prison. Thanks to you, you f@&#ing bitch. I need $20 for cigarettes. Come see me. And bring me $20. For cigarettes.

Love, Wayne”

My heart melted. What a beautiful expression of love. Of cigarettes.

All this thinking about love notes made me yearn for one from…

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